Alone
by Alandor Mersoc
Summary: By definition we learn what words mean, by experience we learn what emotions are, but what of the one who doesn't truly understand what is meant by love.


Disclaimer: I own nothing

There were many things he didn't understand in his short life. He didn't know why his guardian drank so much, he didn't know why his roommate was so quick to anger, and he didn't know why his father had told him to pilot the awful machine known as Evangelion. However to him these were but small blips compared to the main problem.

What was love?

In his short life he had experienced many things, he had been scared to a near panic, and he had been technically killed. He had been angry, depressed and hated. But he had never felt nor known love.

He had been curious about how it felt to be in love, and to love something so much that he would do anything to protect it. He knew that there were others that had felt this way but he didn't know how to ask them.

He had heard about how a parent shows unconditional love for their child, but that confused him. If how his father acted was unconditional love then it mustn't be a good thing. But those thoughts wouldn't stop him from seeking the affection he had heard about. The idea that he could make his father proud had driven him for so long.

He hated himself for it; he hated the part of him that sought after those words, and the love of a parent. He hated that he wanted his father's approval. And he hated himself for hating it, surely the love and approval from his parent was something a boy should want.

He could try and lie to others and say that he was fighting for some noble cause but all he really wanted was six simple words, 'I am proud of you Shinji.'

He had wanted to hear those words from someone who actually meant it, not just how Misato said it trying to reassure him.

He wondered what actual love felt like. The idea of love seemed foreign; he had only seen it in movies and books. It was a secret vice of his; he had read many romance stories and watched the movies hoping to understand what love was. He was too embarrassed about asking someone else about it so he kept all of his thoughts and questions to himself.

He gave up on the idea of ever being in love, the most he could hope for was a one sided romance, for who could ever love the small, scared, wimpy, little coward. Running away was always easier than having to face reality, but he had come to realise that while he may never understand love, he would never experience it.

It was a sad fact for him he wanted to know, he wanted to experience it. But alas he would never know, nor understand. He had come to terms that he was alone in this world. From the point when his father abandoned him to now he had been alone. Even if he was to live past all the fighting, even if he was to survive every battle, win every fight he would forever be alone. For what type of person would ever love a boy who doesn't even understand love. A boy that seeks approval from someone that seems to hate him.

All that he has ever known was solitude; it was said in some of the books that love was a two way thing, in which you had to give to receive. But he had nothing to give to anyone, all he had was himself and what would anyone want with such a useless thing.

For that was all that he was, a thing to be used, to be controlled and sent to die. So that all the real people in the world could be happy and live their lives. He felt no animosity towards them, well that wasn't completely true he hated that he was in this situation. He hated that he had to feel pain and be alone so that others could be happy. But he had come to accept that it was where he was supposed to be.

A life alone was all he knew, he had to wonder would he ever know love even if it was directly in front of him. A small part of him believed that he would, the rest of him told him that he shouldn't be kidding himself. That his entire existence was based on the idea that he was alone, and that he would always be alone so that others could be happy.

He would have liked to be able to take solace in that idea, he would like to be able to believe that if everyone was happy at the cost of his own unhappiness that it should be worth it. However he knew that he was selfish, he didn't like being alone he wanted another to be there with him. To him if one person was lonely they were alone. If two people were lonely they were lonely together.

'Together' a word he understood by definition, he fought together with the other pilots, he went to school together with other people. But that didn't change how he felt, he was alone. Even if there were others around him they were happy, they were with other people, they understood the things he didn't and experienced the things he wished to know.

No while there were others were present in his life, they were not there by choice, for no one would stand by his side if they were to have a choice in the matter. This he understood more than anything, all those around him merely put up with his existence, he had a use he was the thing that was to die so that they could live. That was what he was for, so they would pretend to like him, they would pretend to get along with him, they would pretend to be his friend.

And he would convince himself that they were doing this because they wanted to be his friend, being alone was painful, but even if he pretends with the rest that he is there friend then he won't be alone, right. He wanted to make himself believe that, he wanted to believe that he wasn't alone; he wanted to have someone stand next to him.

But alas that would not be the case, for he knew that none would stand at his side. He knew that he would never understand the one thing that eluded him the most. And he knew that he was meant to be alone in this world so that the others around him would not.

Fin

A.N

Okay so this didn't actually come out how I planned it at all. I don't know if I am actually happy with the way it turned out, I feel like I am missing something. Hell if I know what it is, but I know something is missing. Any tips on what I am missing would be much appreciated.


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